“What kind of drugs did you do Dad?”

So, feel free to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth (just please do take into consideration your child’s age and the state of your relationship with your kid). But there are also ways that you don’t have to answer your child’s question directly and still not be deceptive. All I want you to do is “be prepared.”

Here are three options to answer any kid question that you don’t want to answer without lying:

1. Take the Fifth. “I’m sorry that’s part of my private life.” Or “I just don’t feel comfortable talking about that now. Maybe when you’re older.” Enough.

2. Use the Abridged Version. You don’t have to give all the facts and still can tell the truth. “Yes I drank.” Or “Yes I had sex.” But leave out all the gory details. Take into account his age, developmental level, maturity, how important it really is for him to know all those details and what you choose to share.

3. Postpone the Talk. In some instances it is just fine to tell your kid “Let me think about it. And I’ll get back to you later.” “This isn’t a good time to talk—I’m rushed. Can we do this when we can really have time?” It’s a stall tactic and gives you time to think through what you want to say.

There are no take backs so whenever in doubt, it’s always best to err on the more cautious side. You can always tell more tomorrow.

There also are times when you should fess up and tell your child about your past life—despite the embarrassment or chance it may ruin your image with your child.

Here are five tests to help you weigh how much information your kid really needs to know about any topic:

1. Headline Test: Whenever something about your past is going to make the town paper or The New York Times (be it a drug bust or a prostitute ring), tell. You’re giving your kid a “heads up” before he hears it elsewhere and it’s best to hear the truth coming straight from you.

2. Impact Test: If your child’s life—now or in the future–will be adversely impacted, tell. You don’t have to tell all, but you do have to explain what’s going on because chances are your kid will catch on. Maybe your child is illegitimate and thinks his step-dad is really his father. Tell!

3. Medical Test: You owe your teen—when he’s ready—to know any part of your past history that could endanger his health (such as an alcohol addiction, depression, an eating disorder or a sexual transmittable disease). When there is a genetic component your child needs to know because his own health may be at stake.

4. Trust Test: Your teen knows you lied about your past and might even have found your little black book. So now weigh which is more important: Admitting the truth or further breaking the trust with your child. Probably best to fess up. In the end your relationship is always more important.

5. Lesson Test: Some parents feel it’s important to use their own past mistakes (they had sex too early; or drank too heavily and then flunked out of school) as a lesson. They don’t want the same thing to happen to their kid. Whatever you share do, plainly explain your position so your child understands where you were coming from at the time. Also, be prepared that the lesson approach could backfire and your kid’s idyllic view of you is gone.

One other little point: Don’t think your kid can’t handle the truth. When push comes to shove, kids are remarkably resilient and can handle much more than we give them credit for.

Whatever and how much you choose to tell your child, always explain your current family rules and your values. The best antidote for drugs, drinking, smoking, premarital sex and engaging in risky behavior is not what you tell your child about your past but being a “hands-on” parent today. Translation: A parent who monitors what their kids do and consume, sets clear rules based on your values, and has a healthy and respectful relationship. There is NO substitute.

Michele Borba
www.micheleborba.com

Topics: Parents Do Make A Difference | No Comments »

Sanity Savers for Raising Today’s Teen Today Show Friday April 25

By Michele Borba | April 28, 2008

Let’s face it, parenting a teen is sometimes like walking through a minefield. They’re usually moody, stressed and sleep deprived. Then add those hormones kicking in, and it’s enough to throw up your hands. Well don’t. The thing is teens desperately need our connection. And they desperately need our guidance. The parenting secret is picking your battles and upgrading your strategies that worked maybe for your school age kid so they fit your teen.

Meanwhile here are a few of the key tips I shared on the Today show on Friday to help you and your teen survive one of the most important periods of your child’s life.

1. Know Thyself.
Take a moment to think through what you really stand for and identify the values that matter most to you and your family. Ask yourself, hen your teen leaves the nest what values do you want her to take with her. Those are your nonnegotiables. Those issues are the ones to talk about most. Those are also ones she is most likely to adopt

2. Stick to That Curfew.
I’m a firm believer in curfews for three reasons:

• Teens need an excuse (mom will ground me for life if I don’t get home)
• They need sleep and if they stay out too late on a weekend they’re jet lagged andd worthless in that classroom the next days. It will help reduce risks.
• Teens brains need a external regular let it be you.

Create curfews in phases — early teens don’t need to stay out past ten then mid teen –go for eleven–until a teen can finally demonstrate the responsibility to stay out to twelve. Then set two key rules:

1. You must know where your child is going and who he is with at all times.
2. Your child must check in with you when home. (And then after you hug him check his eyes and smelll his breath. That’s the real free mobile phone ringtones cingular free go phone ringtones download free nokia ringtones download nextel ringtones software alltel free phone ringtones free ringtones for prepaid phone download free motorola ringtones real music ringtones free suncom ringtones free nokia ringtones composer free nokia ringtones and logo e315 motorola ringtones download free ringtones nokia kyocera ringtones ringtones for nokia phone us cellular ringtones free cellular phone ringtones cellular download free phone ringtones free phone ringtones verizon boost download free mobile ringtones trick

3. Don’t Worry Too Much About Clothes
Teens need to develop their own identity and deperately want to fit in. That’s one big part of their adolescent journey. One way to form their identity is through their clothing. So establish what you absolutely won’t tolerate your kid wearing in public. Please do read the school handbook and adhere to those rules).

Teens generally hate it. For what they’re worth here are my Three B Rules for clothing that seem to cover the basics: No bottoms, boobs or belly buttons may show in the clothing you wear. It’s clear and helps beat the “street walker” look and reduces battles. Use them if you like. Many a school district has incorporated them into their rule books.

Do talk about “image” and how it does matter. Don’t use the word “reputation” with a teen.

4. Privacy.
This is always an issue with parents. We have that secret deep fear that our kids may turn out like the next Columbine killers. But here’s’the problem: teens need their privacy. Just as you’re not going to share everything nor will they. Nor should they. They are struggling to find independence and identity. So my basic rule is let your child know you will honor that privacy. No reading her diary or going through her drawers. Or eavesdropping on a conversation.

Those rules are immediately broken if you have any founded concern (that means probable cause) that your child’s’ safety is in jeopardy. That means drugs,illegal activities, or suicidal thoughts. Be concerned if your teen becomes suddenly secretive or withdrawn or shows unusual amunts of anger or aggression. Pick the locks and strip search the room. You could be dealing with a life and death issue.

Of course we love our kids and worry. But we also have to keep a little perspective here.

Study after study proves that the best protective action you can take as a parent is to keep the lines of communication open with your child. Studies also show that parents who are most successful at raising kids who have strong identity, self-control, self-esteem and character are parents who provide less permissive environments. Those rules do matter so enforce them.

The vast majority of our teens turn out just fine thank you. It’s just that the path to getting to adulthood isn’t always smooth. But stay the course. Don’t give up. Stick to what matters most. And if you do need help, pick up the phone!

All the best!

Michele Borba
www.micheleborba.com

Topics: Parents Do Make A Difference | No Comments »

Turning the Florida Teen Beating Into a Teachable Moment

By Michele Borba | April 19, 2008

There is one cardinal rule about children that law enforcement and mental health professionals are well aware: Do not ever give notoriety to a teen-initiated crime, suicide, school shooting or homicide. Ever.

Front-page coverage to such a tragedy actually increases the odds that an emotionally fragile teen (or teens) will duplicate the act. It’s called the “The Copycat Effect.” The threat is so high that most press (or those with a conscience,anyway) prints such tragedies only on back pages to reduce “glorifying” the catastrophe. Notoriety is exactly what those kids crave. But imagine if the event was posted on YouTube or shown on national TV. It’s immediate immortality and the child wins.

And that’s why I was aghast to read this week that Dr. Phil had apparently planned to do a story on the eight Lakeland, Florida teens arrested for their brutal beating of a classmate (I posted about the story here). Keep in mind these are the same teens that videotaped their 30-minute premeditated beating to post on the Internet. Dr. Phil pulled the segment only after learning that members of his staff helped one of the eight suspects post bond. A spokesman stated: “We have decided not to go forward with the story as our guidelines have been compromised.”

So that means they would have otherwise proceeded with a nationally syndicated show about teens facing kidnapping and misdemeanor battery charges as well as a felony charge of witness tampering? Come on!

Can we please, oh please, get beyond the ratings game and focus instead on the possible consequences to our children?

Featuring these Florida kids-on whatever the story angle-is in my opinion absolutely reprehensible. First, there is the real danger of the “Copycat Effect.” But doing so also sends a very troubling message: “Go do a cruel, violent, premeditated act that glorifies hate, glamorizes abuse and legitimizes violence and you too can be a celebrity on a national television show.” Somewhere out there may well be a fragile kid desperately seeking attention and wow, would that ever fuel the fire. Why take that chance?

So, parents, here are a few “take aways” from all this:

Please keep that “Copycat Effect” etched in your memory. Knowing it just might help you prevent a tragedy in your own community.

Hold a media talk. Reinforce your rules about using the Internet. Never put anything in writing that you would not want said about you. Do not click that mouse and send anything in anger or to seek revenge.
Use news stories as teachable moments.

Talk to your kids about the Florida teens or other such tragedies. (There have been several just this week). Express your horror. Talk about your values. Emphasize the victims. And stress the consequences of such horrific acts. Turn those tragic stories into conscience-stretching lessons for your children.

Hold the media accountable. If any media outlet (be it newspaper, Internet, radio, or television) gives front-page coverage about a teen suicide, homicide or brutal beating write a letter or voice your objections.

Stay alert to news stories and use them as teachable moments with your kids. Don’t assume your kids aren’t talking about such incidents. They do. Make sure they are getting those facts straight.