Reality Check: The first step towards change is recognizing you need to. Take an honest look at your own behavior. Is there anything you’re doing that could use a bit of tweaking so that your kids are more likely to thrive without you? If so, what is the first step you’ll take to make that happen?

Of course we don’t want our kids to fail and of course we always want them to be successful, but always doing, picking up, or mending fences for our kids sure won’t help them learn to bounce back and survive on their own. So here’s a little test to see just how well you’re parenting to help prepare your child to handle life someday without you. Think about how you usually act when your child seems frustrated, seeks your help, fails, or isn’t doing a task quite up to your standards. Does one of these describe your response? Would the rest of your family agree with your verdict?

q Enabler: “I know how hard that is. Let me help you.”
q Rescuer: “You’re going to be in trouble if you can’t find your library book. I’ll tell the teacher I lost it.”
q Impatient: “We’re late. I’ll tie your shoes and you can learn how later.”
q Protector: “I’ll call Brian’s mom and tell her how sorry you are.”
q Guilt-ridden: “Don’t worry about your chores. I’ve been gone so much this week I’ll do them.”
q Competitive: “You know Ryan’s project is going to be really good. Let’s add more pictures.”
q Egocentric: “Not now. I don’t have time.”
q Perfectionist: “You run along and I’ll redo your science project. Those letters you pasted on just don’t look right.”

Look down the road at the big picture. If you keep on with any hovering behavior now, how will your kids turn out later? Every once in a while, fast forward your parenting and think ahead. It just may help you alter you current response with your kids.

One more hint: researchers are seeing this phenomenon of “parental hovering” as more than just a trend—it’s here to stay. I see a huge red flag in the behavior: keep the hovering and you rob the child of an essential trait for L.I.F.E. called self-reliance! Watch out—you may not be aware that you’re guilty of that behavior. The key is to keep in mind it’s never really one event that influences our children (the one lecture, the one family vacation, even the one mommy meltdown) but the consistent way we respond to our kids day after day after day. So if you’re always rescuing, stepping in, helping out, advising, suggesting or doing, think how those responses impact your child.

Michele Borba
www.micheleborba.com

Posted on iVillage “Parenting Secret Blog”