Dr. Michele Borba’s Reality Check

THE REAL PARENTING SECRETS FROM GLOUCESTER HIGH SCHOOL Seven Tips to Help Lower Those Teen Pregnancy Stats

By Michele Borba | June 29, 2008

Well, well. It now appears that the Gloucester High School story that rocked the nation these past days is just a hoax. In case you missed the news 17 young teens at the small Massachusetts high school allegedly made a pact to get pregnant and then help raise each other’s babies. It turns out that the pact was just another urban legend. But don’t feel too relieved just yet. Pact or not pact, there’s a point we can’t overlook. Those 17 unwed pregnant girls are not alone.

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention reveals that for the first time in 15 years teen pregnancy is back on the rise for girls 15 to 17. Each day more than 2000 of our American daughters becomes pregnant. And one in four girls aged 15 to19 has a sexually transmitted infection.

Whether you are raising your children in Portland, Manhattan, Sacramento, Iowa, or Gloucester, the statistics about kids are the same. That’s why it’s crucial that we learn from this story. Two thirds of our kids have had sex before they graduate from high school.

Here are seven parenting secrets that research shows will help reduce those odds:

1. Start the sex talk early. And I do mean EARLY—like by the age of two or three. Relax, I’m not suggesting you talk about the birds and the bees, but just use correct names for body parts such as “penis” and “vagina.” Here’s why: Many parents say they don’t feel comfortable having the big crucial sex talk with their older kids, and you must have that talk. So, get comfortable by using those terms with your toddler now and those tougher topics will be far easier later. (Besides, why call a penis a cute little term like “pee-pee” when we don’t say “toe-toe” or “elbowy?”)

2. Stress your values! Most kids these days understand the dynamics of sex just fine thank you. (Ask them—they’ll give you a few pointers!) What our kids are missing are the lessons about values and strong sexual feelings. So talk, talk and talk again about your family values so your child has something to believe in. Give your son or daughter the reason to wait and why it’s okay to say, ‘no.’ Stress the aspect of R.E.S.P.E.C.T. in relationships and that sex comes with big responsibilities.

3. Be a “hands-on” parent. Research conclusively shows the best way to reduce risky teen behavior is by staying involved and being a “hands on” parent. Monitor their coming and goings. Set curfews. Know their friends and befriend their pals. Stress your expectations on what the media they consume. And do not be afraid to say no!

4. Monitor your home. A little word to the wise: Teens are most likely to have their first sexual encounter in your home. Be there when your teen has friends over, and most especially so if your teen brings home her dating partner. Get to know her boyfriend. And make that bedroom off limits to entertaining!

5. Counter the Hollywood glamorization of pregnancy. From Nickelodeon star, Jamie Lynn Spears, to magazines covered with picture perfect young celebrity moms touting babes, to the blockbuster movies Juno and Knocked Up. This is the year Hollywood glamorized teen pregnancy. What kids miss is the exhaustion, croup, sleepless nights, and financial hardships of parenting. They also never see that those celebs have at their disposal an entourage of nannies, cooks, personal managers and endless bank accounts. Point out those mixed Hollywood messages and add in the missing pieces of responsibility and sacrifice that comes with parenthood.

6. Keep talking. One talk isn’t going to do it. So continue talking and listening and talking. Find ways to bring up conversations about sex. Throw in $100 a month for diapers. $125 for baby formula. $175 a month for new baby clothes. Or the $197,7000 it cost to raise a kid these days. And if that doesn’t do it—ask a mother to lend her baby to your child to watch for a weekend. Instant birth control!

7. Give your child a sense of future. Get your child involved in his school. Tell him to study! From an early age, talk to your child about growing up, leaving home and working. Stress your expectations for their education. The truth is the more involved a child is in school the less likely they are to engage in risky behaviors.

REALITY CHECK: When’s the last time you talked the serious side of sex with your or daughter? Make a pact right now to do so!

Michele Borba
www.micheleborba.com

Topics: Parents Do Make A Difference | No Comments »

Today Show May 14 What To Do When Your Kid Ask Questions About Your Past Life

By Michele Borba | May 13, 2008

“So Mom, when did you lose your virginity?”

“What kind of drugs did you do Dad?”

“How many times did you do it?”

Kids have always said the darnedest things, but these days they’re also asking embarrassing and frank questions about their parents’ past lives: “How old were you when you took your first drink?” “Did you and dad hook up before you were married?” “What do you mean you didn’t inhale?”

Their questions shouldn’t come as any big shock. After all, this is the Facebook Generation where kids routinely post each and every vivid detail of their personal lives and have been exposed to sordid R-rated indiscretions and national scandals of celebrities and politicians from such young ages. So it really shouldn’t come as any surprise when your kid asks about your past dalliances with drugs, drinking, and sex.

Which poses the real question: “Have you thought about how you’ll answer your teen?”

First off, do know that every parent is going to have a different take on this. But also know that you have absolutely no obligation to tell your kid your past history. What you tell-or choose not to tell is totally up to your discretion. This is whole issue is so new there is no research on the topic.

What the research is clear on is one thing: Our kids learn honesty as well as dishonesty mostly from us. So my only big rule on however you choose to answer is this: “Never—ever–lie or deceive thy child.” Doing so only breaks down trust with your child and sends a very wrong message: “It’s okay to lie.” Make no mistake: If your kid ever learns that you lied, he will always wonder if he can trust you again.

So, feel free to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth (just please do take into consideration your child’s age and the state of your relationship with your kid). But there are also ways that you don’t have to answer your child’s question directly and still not be deceptive. All I want you to do is “be prepared.”

Here are three options to answer any kid question that you don’t want to answer without lying:

1. Take the Fifth. “I’m sorry that’s part of my private life.” Or “I just don’t feel comfortable talking about that now. Maybe when you’re older.” Enough.

2. Use the Abridged Version. You don’t have to give all the facts and still can tell the truth. “Yes I drank.” Or “Yes I had sex.” But leave out all the gory details. Take into account his age, developmental level, maturity, how important it really is for him to know all those details and what you choose to share.

3. Postpone the Talk. In some instances it is just fine to tell your kid “Let me think about it. And I’ll get back to you later.” “This isn’t a good time to talk—I’m rushed. Can we do this when we can really have time?” It’s a stall tactic and gives you time to think through what you want to say.

There are no take backs so whenever in doubt, it’s always best to err on the more cautious side. You can always tell more tomorrow.

There also are times when you should fess up and tell your child about your past life—despite the embarrassment or chance it may ruin your image with your child.

Here are five tests to help you weigh how much information your kid really needs to know about any topic:

1. Headline Test: Whenever something about your past is going to make the town paper or The New York Times (be it a drug bust or a prostitute ring), tell. You’re giving your kid a “heads up” before he hears it elsewhere and it’s best to hear the truth coming straight from you.

2. Impact Test: If your child’s life—now or in the future–will be adversely impacted, tell. You don’t have to tell all, but you do have to explain what’s going on because chances are your kid will catch on. Maybe your child is illegitimate and thinks his step-dad is really his father. Tell!

3. Medical Test: You owe your teen—when he’s ready—to know any part of your past history that could endanger his health (such as an alcohol addiction, depression, an eating disorder or a sexual transmittable disease). When there is a genetic component your child needs to know because his own health may be at stake.

4. Trust Test: Your teen knows you lied about your past and might even have found your little black book. So now weigh which is more important: Admitting the truth or further breaking the trust with your child. Probably best to fess up. In the end your relationship is always more important.

5. Lesson Test: Some parents feel it’s important to use their own past mistakes (they had sex too early; or drank too heavily and then flunked out of school) as a lesson. They don’t want the same thing to happen to their kid. Whatever you share do, plainly explain your position so your child understands where you were coming from at the time. Also, be prepared that the lesson approach could backfire and your kid’s idyllic view of you is gone.

One other little point: Don’t think your kid can’t handle the truth. When push comes to shove, kids are remarkably resilient and can handle much more than we give them credit for.

Whatever and how much you choose to tell your child, always explain your current family rules and your values. The best antidote for drugs, drinking, smoking, premarital sex and engaging in risky behavior is not what you tell your child about your past but being a “hands-on” parent today. Translation: A parent who monitors what their kids do and consume, sets clear rules based on your values, and has a healthy and respectful relationship. There is NO substitute.

Michele Borba
www.micheleborba.com

Topics: Parents Do Make A Difference | No Comments »

Sanity Savers for Raising Today’s Teen Today Show Friday April 25

By Michele Borba | April 28, 2008

Let’s face it, parenting a teen is sometimes like walking through a minefield. They’re usually moody, stressed and sleep deprived. Then add those hormones kicking in, and it’s enough to throw up your hands. Well don’t. The thing is teens desperately need our connection. And they desperately need our guidance. The parenting secret is picking your battles and upgrading your strategies that worked maybe for your school age kid so they fit your teen.

Meanwhile here are a few of the key tips I shared on the Today show on Friday to help you and your teen survive one of the most important periods of your child’s life.

1. Know Thyself.
Take a moment to think through what you really stand for and identify the values that matter most to you and your family. Ask yourself, hen your teen leaves the nest what values do you want her to take with her. Those are your nonnegotiables. Those issues are the ones to talk about most. Those are also ones she is most likely to adopt

2. Stick to That Curfew.
I’m a firm believer in curfews for three reasons:

• Teens need an excuse (mom will ground me for life if I don’t get home)
• They need sleep and if they stay out too late on a weekend they’re jet lagged andd worthless in that classroom the next days. It will help reduce risks.
• Teens brains need a external regular let it be you.

Create curfews in phases — early teens don’t need to stay out past ten then mid teen –go for eleven–until a teen can finally demonstrate the responsibility to stay out to twelve. Then set two key rules:

1. You must know where your child is going and who he is with at all times.
2. Your child must check in with you when home. (And then after you hug him check his eyes and smelll his breath. That’s the real trick

3. Don’t Worry Too Much About Clothes
Teens need to develop their own identity and deperately want to fit in. That’s one big part of their adolescent journey. One way to form their identity is through their clothing. So establish what you absolutely won’t tolerate your kid wearing in public. Please do read the school handbook and adhere to those rules).

Teens generally hate it. For what they’re worth here are my Three B Rules for clothing that seem to cover the basics: No bottoms, boobs or belly buttons may show in the clothing you wear. It’s clear and helps beat the “street walker” look and reduces battles. Use them if you like. Many a school district has incorporated them into their rule books.

Do talk about “image” and how it does matter. Don’t use the word “reputation” with a teen.

4. Privacy.
This is always an issue with parents. We have that secret deep fear that our kids may turn out like the next Columbine killers. But here’s’the problem: teens need their privacy. Just as you’re not going to share everything nor will they. Nor should they. They are struggling to find independence and identity. So my basic rule is let your child know you will honor that privacy. No reading her diary or going through her drawers. Or eavesdropping on a conversation.

Those rules are immediately broken if you have any founded concern (that means probable cause) that your child’s’ safety is in jeopardy. That means drugs,illegal activities, or suicidal thoughts. Be concerned if your teen becomes suddenly secretive or withdrawn or shows unusual amunts of anger or aggression. Pick the locks and strip search the room. You could be dealing with a life and death issue.

Of course we love our kids and worry. But we also have to keep a little perspective here.

Study after study proves that the best protective action you can take as a parent is to keep the lines of communication open with your child. Studies also show that parents who are most successful at raising kids who have strong identity, self-control, self-esteem and character are parents who provide less permissive environments. Those rules do matter so enforce them.

The vast majority of our teens turn out just fine thank you. It’s just that the path to getting to adulthood isn’t always smooth. But stay the course. Don’t give up. Stick to what matters most. And if you do need help, pick up the phone!

All the best!

Michele Borba
www.micheleborba.com

Topics: Parents Do Make A Difference | No Comments »

« Previous Entries Next Entries »