Parenting advice to helping kids with pessimistic attitudes have a more optimistic outlook. New research finds optimism could curb kid depression as well as less heavy drug abuse and bad behavior
“Optimism is the stable belief that one will generally experience good outcomes in life. We believe things will work out for the best.”
Let’s face it: kids with pessimistic attitudes are among the most frustrating breeds. They give up easily, believe anything they do won’t make a difference, and assume they won’t succeed. Sadly, they rarely see the good, wonderful things of life. They dwell on the negative, bad parts of life, and often find only the inadequacies in themselves:
“I’m so dumb, why study?” “Nobody’s going to like me, why bother?” “What’s the point? I’ll fail.”
Beware: a pessimistic trend amongst today’s youth is increasing. A child today is ten times more likely to be seriously depressed compared to a child born in the first third of this century.
So what’s a parent to do?
First, do know I empathize if you have one of these little critters. I know this is troubling stuff, and at times even heartbreaking. After all, one of the hardest parts of being a parent is when your child isn’t happy.
But there is one point you must keep in mind:Kids are not born pessimistic. That means parenting can be influential in curbing negativity and cynicism and boosting positivity and optimism.
In all fairness to our children, the news seems to be flooded with “doom and gloom” stories: tornadoes, shootings, tsunamis, and riots. Let’s show our children the upside of the world. It’s there, and scientific research also reveals why we should.
Scientific Benefits of Boosting Optimism
Research shows a large part of an optimistic attitude is learned along the way, and that parents can help their kids become more optimistic, so take heart. What’s more a growing numbers of studies confirmed powerful benefits for nurturing positive attitudes in our kids.
Studies at Penn State University by Martin Seligman find that boosting optimism may increase the likelihood of your son or daughter’s long-term happiness and school success, as well as emotional and physical health.The research also shows that children with optimistic outlooks are less likely to be depressed and as well as suffer from anxiety disorders, and more likely to be able to bounce back with that resilient spirit when the going gets tough.
Research at Australia’s Royal Children’s Hospital in Melbourne finds more optimistic teens may be somewhat less likely to be depressed than their peers.
So roll up your sleeves, and let’s get started on a serious parenting venture: helping our children develop more positive outlooks about their world.
Turning Kid Negativity Into A More Positive Outlook
Here are solutions to help make a real difference on your child’s life by turning your son or daughter’s negative attitude into more a positive outlook.
Curb That Negativity, Pronto!
Start by doing what you can do to reduce negativity. Listen to the negative messages your child may be receiving.
Tune into the news sources, television, video games, music lyrics or movies. On the whole are they more upbeat or down?
Cut those sources that might be exacerbating your kid’s pessimism.
Possibilities? Here are a few:
~ Turn off the scary news (or at least limit it!)
~ Stop talking about the bad stuff on the front page.
~ Listen to your own negative talk and curb it.
~ Monitor the cynical musical lyrics your kid is hearing.
Where once those tragic and terrifying world events seemed so far, far away or only printed words in the newspaper, they are now 24/7 on our TVs and Internet screens. So be more vigilant and turn off what you can control.
Studies show that young children can not discriminate between “real” “make believe” or a “repeat broadcast.” For instance, when news shows repeated the images of planes hitting the World Trade Center, young children assumed those were new attacks.
Middle school children said that “late breaking news without an adult there to help them make sense of the news” was upping their fears. The news does affect our children’s attitudes.
Watch out! Pessimism can breed.
Start “Good News Reports”
Consciously stress a more optimistic outlook in your home so your child sees the good parts of life instead of just the downside. You might have each family member report something good that happened that day to him or her at the dinner table.
The world is filled with examples of individuals who suffered enormous obstacles, but don’t cave into pessimistic thinking. Look for examples to share with your kids in their own world.
Hint: Most of those good stories are on the back pages of the news paper. I’ve discovered wonderful stories about kids in Reader’s Digest, People, Guideposts, or Parade. The website, Kid Are Heroes –kid who are making a difference — is also glorious! (The photo is from their site – bookmark it!)
Keep your eyes open. The Good News is out there! We just have to dig a bit harder to find it and then share it with our children:
“Did you hear about the little girl who has a lemonade stand? She’s raising money for research on autism to help her brother.”
“Did you read about the Boy Scout troop that is sending care packages to our troops in Iraq? Look at the pictures of the soldiers opening up those packages!”
“I just heard about an amazing little kindergartener who dialed 9-1-1 to get help for her mom and saved her life!”
“Wow, come listen to this news report: it’s a group of middle school kids who are on a mission to stop bullying in their school!”
Institute Goodness Reviews
Each night start a new ritual with your child of reviewing all the good parts about her day. Your child will go to sleep remembering the positives about life.
If you review those goodness issues often enough, it will become a routine that your child will do on her own.
Confront Pessimistic Thinking
Don’t let your child get trapped into “Stinkin’ Thinkin’. Help him tune into his pessimistic thoughts and learn to confront them.
~ Point out cynicism. Create a code–such as pulling on your ear or touching your elbow–that only you and your kid are aware. The code means he’s uttered a cynical comment.
~ Tune in. Encourage your kid to listen to his own comments. Suggest an older kid wear a watch or bracelet to remind her to tune into how often she is pessimistic. Each time she sees the watch it helps her remember to be more positive and less negative.
~ Count negative thoughts. Help your kid count pessimistic comments for a set time period: “Listen for the next five minutes (or other brief time) to track how many times you say downbeat things out loud or inside your head.” A young kid can count on his fingers. An older kid can use coins moving one from his left to right pocket per statement or make tally marks on a piece of paper.
Balance Pessimistic Talk
One way to thwart a kid’s pessimistic thinking is by providing a more balanced perspective. If you use the strategy enough, your child will use it to help counter pessimistic talk.
Here are a few possibilities:
~ Your child won’t go to her friend’s birthday thinking no one likes her. So offer a more balanced view: “If Sunny didn’t like you, you’d never have been invited.”
~ Your kid blows her math test exclaiming that she’s “stupid.” You say: “Nobody can be good at everything. You’re good in history and art. Meanwhile, let’s figure out how to improve your math.”
Be Example of Optimism
Use yourself as an example. Do feel free to fictionalize, just as long as your child gets the point.
“I remember when I was your age. Right before I’d take a test a voice inside me would say, ‘You’re not going to do well.’ I learned to talk back to that voice. I’d tell it: ‘I’m going to try my best. If I try my best, I’ll do okay.’
Pretty soon the voice faded away because I refused to listen to it. When you hear that voice, talk to it and say it’s wrong.”
Acknowledge Positive Attitudes
Do be on the alert for those times your child does utter optimism. If you’re not looking for the behavior, you may well miss those moments when your child is trying a new approach. And when she is optimistic, acknowledge it!
“Kara, I know how difficult your spelling tests have been. But saying you think you’ll do better was being so optimistic. I’m sure you’ll do better because you’ve been studying so hard.”
Don’t Give Up!
Changing negative, pessimistic attitudes is not an easy task, but it is doable.
Hang in there and you should see gradual change that switch could well make a major difference on your children both now and for the rest of their lives. Ah the power of positive parenting!
I am an educational psychologist, parenting expert, TODAY show contributor and author of 22 books. You can also refer to my daily blog, Dr. Borba’s Reality Check for ongoing parenting solutions and late-breaking news about child development.
You can also find dozens of research-based and practical tips to raise strong kids from the inside out in my latest book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. This blog is adapted from the chapters on Pessimistic or Perfectionist.
Blog sources: George C. Patton, M.D., professor, adolescent health research, Centre for Adolescent Health, Royal Children’s Hospital, Melbourne, Australia; Hilary Tindle, M.D., M.P.H., researcher, Center for Research on Health Care, division of general internal medicine, University of Pittsburgh; February 2011, Pediatrics, online, Jan. 10, 2011