Cures for Kids Hooked on Rewards

Michele Borba January 4, 2019 6

Is your child hooked on rewards? Here are strategies to wean kids from “What do I get?” syndrome where they expect praise, tokens or money for every little thing they do so they develop motivation from the INSIDE-Out! 

“What do I get if I do it?”

“How much will you give me?”

“Why should I do it if you don’t pay me?”

Heard any of these words lately from your darling offspring?

If so, chances are your kid is suffering from a widespread kid epidemic called: “Hooked on Rewards.

Translation: the kid expects the gold stars, stickers, or monetary prizes for a job well done.

Of course we want our kids to succeed: we’re tickled pink when they do. So we award that perfect spelling test, winning soccer goal or tantrum-free play date with a few dollars or special treat.

But beware: all those rewards and incentives can backfire.

The more kids receive the more they seem to expect. And the more they expect, the more we rob them of developing the ability to motivate themselves.

In the end our kids have to be their own cheerleaders and learn to count on themselves, not us. After all, one of our most important parenting goals is for our kids to learn to act right without us.

6 Cures for the “Hooked on Rewards” Epidemic

If your child is suffering from the “What do I get?” syndrome, the following strategies  just might be the cure.

Using these parenting secrets will help you wean your child from expecting rewards and realize they should do a job well done because it’s just the right thing to do. Period.

Take a stand and stay committed

The first step is simple: Stop giving material rewards, trophies, or money  for every little thing. Take a firm stand against unnecessary incentives.

Just expect your kid to help out at home and do the best she can in school and other activities. This is the only way your child will learn to be self-reliant, independent, and self-motivated.

State what you see

The very next time your kid does something noteworthy, keep your wallet closed. Instead, state a simple judgment-free comment:

“You rode your bike all by yourself!” or

“Wow, you really put a lot of work into this report. Good for you!

Or simply, “You did it.”

Ask questions to boost internal pride

Instead of being so quick to reinforce your kid, find out what pleased her about the job she did. The trick is to nurture your kid’s internal motivation by putting the success back inside her corner.

Switch your pronouns from “I” to “you”

One of the easiest ways to wean kids away from external control is simply to change the pronouns in your praise and switch your “I” to “you.”

This simple switch takes the emphasis off your approval and puts more on the child’s acknowledging her appropriate actions.Here is an example of how you might use the pronoun switch:

I statement: “I’m really proud of how hard you worked today.”

You statement: “You must be really proud of how hard you worked today.”

Encourage internal praise

Point out what your child did that deserved merit and then remind him to acknowledge himself internally (to use “self-talk”).

Suppose your son has difficulty being a good sport whenever he loses at his soccer games. This time he really made an effort to not blame everyone for the loss. At a private moment, encourage him to acknowledge his success: “John, you really made an effort not to say anything negative about the other team today. Did you remember to tell yourself that you did a great job?”

Have your kid keep an accomplishment journal

Stacey Owens, a mom of four from Kansas City, shared with me another way to help kids learn to reinforce their own behavior.

She gives each of her children a small journal. At least once a week she asks each child to spend a few minutes writing (or drawing) his or her successes.

The mom also explained that she tells her kids that the true definition of success is a four-letter word spelled “g-a-i-n.” It is any improvement–big or small–that the child thinks he has made. Love it!

This routine has helped her children slowly recognize that they do have control over their own lives and builds their inner motivation muscle.

Self-motivation develops slowly, but we can help our kids develop that inner muscle by how we respond to their behavior.

So the very next time your kid deserves recognition, do acknowledge her effort: “Nice job, Sally. You must be really proud of how hard you worked!” (And do emphasize the child’s effort — not the end product, score, or grade… doing so is a proven parenting practice that nurtures not only inner motivation but also good old GRIT!) 

Then smile broadly, pat her lovingly on the back, and keep your wallet closed.

There!

Dr. Michele Borba

You can also follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba. 

My latest book is called, UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World.  You may appreciate the sections on how to help kids develop caring mindsets and how to use praise the right way (based on research) to reap a caring, internally-motivated child. 

6 Comments »

  1. Rey Carr January 7, 2010 at 5:14 pm - Reply

    Michele provides a number of practical ideas to combat what many critics have said about reward systems that are commonly accepted or even promoted in the media.

    Another option is to consider what the late Jim Rohn would propose. When a child says “What can I get if I do X?” or even “Will you give me $10.00 to buy a CD,” etc, help the child by letting them know they’re asking the wrong question. The question they should be asking is “What can I do to earn $10.00?” or “How can I earn X?” (a trip to the movies, etc.

    Take these “rewards” out of the entitlement category and put them into the labor/exchange category.

    • admin January 5, 2019 at 2:14 am - Reply

      Great addition — the internal motivation question. Thanks for that. Love the flip idea on the reward. Would make such a difference. Happy 2019! Michele

  2. Family Matters January 7, 2010 at 11:23 pm - Reply

    Couldn’t have said it better myself.

    The only thing I might add is “Ask yourself how you were motivated as a child”. This can explain a lot of things…

    • admin January 5, 2019 at 2:13 am - Reply

      I love that question The parent asking self: “How was I motivated as a child!!” Says so much! Thank you for that. We get so hung up the child we overlook where the message may be coming from. Happy New Year! I’ve missed you.

  3. Chandra (@ShiftC) January 26, 2010 at 7:27 am - Reply

    Wow! Perfect timing! I don’t have children, but teach 20 second grade students. I took over a classroom, and the previous teacher rewarded every little thing. The students were taken aback when I didn’t give them 10 stickers a day, didn’t reward with candy, and so on. At first, I felt like I was in the wrong, and questioned my methods. Should I hand out stickers, candy, pencils, and other rewards everyday?! I was at a crossroad, but this article has reassured me that I must continue to take a stand to promote instrinsic motivation. I remind “my kids” on a daily basis that I do not owe them anything, and they should turn in homework, follow directions, and try their best because it is the right thing thing. We have adopted a phrase from the late Dr. King that simply states that the time is always right to do the right thing.

    Thanks, Dr. Borba!

    • admin January 5, 2019 at 2:16 am - Reply

      You’re welcome!! Thanks for the thanks! I hear that so often from teachers — (and I was one myself) — but the new trend is feeling like you have to wear a Big Bird outfit on and entertain kids. Sad. We’ve been raising them from the outside in. Happy New Year! Michele

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